I Think That Way

“When we speak we are afraid our words will not be heard or welcomed. But when we are silent, we are still afraid. So it is better to speak”. 

- Audre Lorde

          In Henry Louis Gates’ essay, “What’s in a Name?” he writes about an incident where his father could speak up about the prejudice of colored people in Piedmont, West Virginia but he chose not to. Maybe he kept silent because he knew it would not change anything. I also had an experience where I should speak up about something but I chose not to.

I have felt about this for several times. This feeling made me worry, angry, down, and desperate and also a deep regret that always made an impression in my mind. This is about an experience when I could say about something but I chose to keep it inside. Almost in every beginning of the new semester, the lecturer will ask the students to divide themselves into several groups of presentation. I love working with team but the one I hate is the method of selecting the members of group. Counting randomly is not what I like because I knew that I will get members who I don't feel comfort to work with.

That morning must be hotter than it was. I remembered the date, it was February 14th 2013, yeah it was Valentine Day, and we had counting ourselves to find out our own group. The day that must be so lovely turned out so evil. The leader of the class chose to use the counting method to find out the group member. We argued about the method of selection. Some students agreed that the selection should be done by counting randomly but the rest had their own opinion why the selection should not be done like that. Then we had a small discussion while trying to make the situation became more relax. As the first begin, Mega stated her opinion to the whole class member.

“Sorry, may I speak? I disagree if we should do this by counting because I believe that we will feel uncomfortable with friends who we don’t used to work with. But if we choose our group member freely then we would be more excited to do this assignment,” I heard Mega said that.

“I do agree with Mega. Why? Because I think it is such a good way to find out our own group by choosing it freely. We can work with whoever we like so then we are confident enough to present it later,” said Elis.

Deep in my heart, I agreed with both of them. I had the same opinion with Mega and Elis. I hope at that time we could choose our own group freely because the other time we had already asked to find the group member by counting. I thought it would be so much better to do so. Yeah, I thought that way would be the best for all of us. When we work in a group which consists of people who we like and enjoy to work with, it will encourage us to do our best. Besides that, it will effect the result of the work. Once we believe in someone to work with us, we feel so much easier to finish the work,  we could gain our confidence, and it’s stress free. How would it be when we should work with peers who we don’t even feel comfortable with them? I’m pretty sure that we will have any doubt and worry in our heart. What make it worst is, it would be one more factor that will drive us to the stress zone.

But then the leader of the class decided to have voting. A few seconds were gone, and the result was most of the class member chose to have counting. I was wondering how could it be. What made me felt more confused was knowing Mega and Elis didn’t raise their hands. I assumed that they didn’t want to keep their opinion. I realized that it won’t work if I try to stand in my way because it won’t change anything. The final decision had been declared, so I chose to be silent. I just didn’t want to have any longer debate or discussion with others. Although I had my strong reason and want to complain about that one, but finally I chose not to.

As the time goes by, I should learn from my experience for not to do the same thing twice that I might regret it again. I just don’t want to do it all over again. One day, if I find my self in the same situation like I did before, I will make sure that I have my chance to speak it up. Maybe I should try a bit hard to convince my friends that I have a logical reason to support my choice. So then they could open their mind from the thing that they don’t ever realize before.